we're fabulous in the west

Linguistics

2004-12-22T09:05:00.000-08:00

All of us are working so dang hard!
I think we should all spice up the day by
using the internet with its great capabilities.

For instance, wouldn't that memo, fax or report be
so much more fun in Pig Latin?
If anyone needs help simply go to this site
and enter the info you want "translated"

Merry Christmas!!

Quote of the day:

2004-12-16T06:42:00.000-08:00

"These things are hot sex in snack form."

NOB, referring to the homemade chocolate-covered pretzels I brought into the office for public consumption.

They can take care of all your needs

2004-12-06T13:03:00.000-08:00

Yet another reason why Costco is the place for one-stop shopping.

Quote of the day (part 2):

2004-12-03T13:50:00.000-08:00

"But what would our kids look like? Would they look like him? Would I have a Whitey McGee? I don't want a Whitey McGee!"

C-Sass, on the potential skin color of children sired by the Irishman.

Quote of the day:

2004-12-03T13:16:00.000-08:00

"I know now that when I beat my child, he should know why he is being beaten."
-- A parent, answering the question "What is the most important information you learned and plan to use?" after a workshop session led by NOB and I.

Funniest school project ever:

2004-11-23T13:03:00.000-08:00

For a senior high school project, NOB composed an interpretive dance to Ronald Reagan's foreign policy in Latin America. No joke.

Quote of the day:

2004-11-23T06:16:00.000-08:00

"Have you ever smelled a fart and ended up blaming the wrong guy?"
-- Gil Grissom (yes, from CSI), trying to explain to Catherine Willows why a witness mistakenly identified the wrong person.

Quote and advice of the day (from Friday):

2004-11-08T06:20:00.000-08:00

Quote of the day:

C-Sass to NOB: "Look at you in your polo shirt.... you look so good. You're such a peanut!"
NOB: "I don't want to be a peanut. I want to be a cowboy!"

Advice of the day:

Old man in the Costco parking lot to me: "You better hold on to this one... he's a catch." (He was referring to NOB, who had moved an empty shopping cart out of the old man's way.)

Funny little sayings

2004-11-02T07:31:00.000-08:00

While trying to pass time during the 8-hour drive back from Boston this weekend, peeps and I started talking about sayings that everyone uses but don't really make that much sense. There's a word for these things but I didn't take English classes in college and have no idea what that word is. Where do they come from and what are they called? Ahh... it doesn't matter... I just like lists.

1. [That] puts a wrench in things.

2. [That's] nothing to shake a stick at.

3. [It's] colder than a witch's tit (or titty).

4. [I have to] pee like a racehorse.

5. [He's] like a ticking bomb.

It's also been brought to my attention that people on the East Coast say "Ave" -- while those of us from the fabulous West Coast say "Avenue." Weird. And "pop" versus "soda"...

Got any others?

Kiddie quote of the day:

2004-10-29T07:26:00.000-07:00

I was at MLK Elementary last night talking to a group of 4-year old boys playing on a rug with a giant map of the U.S. on it. They were jumping from state to state, so I pointed down and asked: "Do you know where we are?"
One kid's response: "The library."

Quote of the day:

2004-10-28T13:03:00.000-07:00

BK [completely out of nowhere]: "Are those women's sunglasses?"
NOB [a male coworker]: "Yes. They were on sale.... and I liked them. Why?!?!"

Ain't Nobody Gonna Break My Stride

2004-10-28T10:44:00.000-07:00

I know everyone that reads this blog has already read this
but I wanted to preserve the link for posterity
Yippee for taking time to stare out the windows. Check this out when the whole world seems a little backwards.

nom de guerre

2004-10-27T15:44:00.000-07:00

So this phrase kept showing up in the paper this morning--name of war? Apparently people pick names for their not-traditionally-feminine side. Chrome and I discussed lots of funny names this morning, and I think others should get the chance to add to the list--here are the starters.

1. A highschool friend of Chrome's Abcd--yes that was his name, apparently english wasn't too popular at home when he was born so his folks just ran with it. It's pronounced Absidee.

2. A student somewhere or other--his name was Nosmo (pronounced Nazmo) this is weird, but weirder still is his last name- King. Put one and one together and you might figure out that this kid's Mom could have been a little confused.

3. A student in Atlanta-whose teacher realized what her name was only when figuring out her Birthday was October 31, the girl's name Neewolloh.

4. My latest entry for an event yesterday-Aquanette, yup, just like the hairspray--this might make more sense if she was born to a country western singer in the south.

Tuesday

2004-10-26T11:06:00.000-07:00

I just dumped 20 pounds of iceburg lettuce and a bunch of donated cameras in the lobby of my building. Apparently, the dolly wasn't equipped to go down stairs. We have to get a better dolly or start using boxes with reliable lids. I apologized profusely while the security guard and two nice business people repacked the boxes and restacked them on the dolly.

(I thought) it was amusing, though not as amusing as the time my covolunteer spilled 3 pounds of bite-sized laffy taffy in the crosswalk of 15th and H during busy afternoon rush hour traffic.

Another covolunteer just walked through my office looking frazzled. He came back and asked to be included in our ladies' night Hugh Grant/romantic comedy fest because he liked Notting Hill. Back to workymcworkerton.

Soxy McSoxerton

2004-10-19T05:47:00.000-07:00

I've never cared much about professional baseball or professional baseball teams (save the few times that the Mariners did exceptionally well). While I spent 4 years at college in Western Mass and am surrounded by Red Sox fans at my current place of employment, I didn't initially care much about the series. It wasn't until a moving 5-7 minute Toastmasters speech given a couple weeks ago by a *true* Sox fan that I started to understand a bit more about the folklore surrounding the team. The Sox's recent Seabiscuitesque come-from-behind-to-almost-tie-the-series kinda makes my heart swell. Kinda. And while I won't feel the series outcome as deeply as true fans, I sincerely want Boston to triumph over New York and must give my support to the entire Upper East Coast and their beloved baseball team-- caveman beards and all.

A not so fabulous Friday (it's a long one...)

2004-09-27T06:23:00.000-07:00

Friday morning I found myself in a quite embarrassing situation at the Greenbelt Metro station. I was slightly out of it as I grabbed my copy of the Express and headed towards the turnstiles—but it was 8am and I had been up late the night before—no big deal, or so I thought.

I got really lightheaded right after I passed through the turnstiles, and kind of stumbled towards the agent’s kiosk, where the military dude was placed to prevent terrorists from getting on the Metro. It must have been apparent I was about to pass out, because I remember him grabbing me and helping me gently hit the ground. I woke up a couple minutes later with my face on the cement, with the military dude and station agent grabbing various parts of my upper body and talking loudly in my face.

Do you want to go to the hospital?, someone asked. I kept trying to reassure them that fainting wasn’t a big deal, and just to let me chill for a couple minutes. My incoherent mumbling must have been unconvincing, because I heard the military dude call for an ambulance for a “semi-conscious white female” at the Greenbelt Metro station…. apparently, I was in need of medical attention.

Military dude finally got me off the ground and sat me down on a chair near the agent’s kiosk and kept asking irritating questions to keep me conscious. “Who do you live with? Where do you work? Where are you from? How long have you been here?” He got in my face and informed me I looked pale—really white, he said. “I’m always pale dumbass,” I responded, leaving out the “dumbass” part, of course. In the course of two minutes waiting for the ambulance, no less than three tourists came up to me and asked how to get to various places in D.C. Idiots.

The EMTs arrived and led me out of the station on a stretcher… but not before I started crying hysterically and begged them not to take me to the ER. I tried explaining to them that I hate being sick and was going to be late to work (look at that dedication!), but they shushed me and continued to wheel my blubbering self out through the AM rush hour people traffic. The EMT in the back of the truck was obsessed with my Apache name and asked if I was white or Indian, to which I replied, “neither, dumbass,” and pretended to doze off again. Again, I left out the “dumbass” part.

At the hospital, I got to wear a snazzy backless gown, had a blood pressure cuff permanently attached to my arm that went off every 15 minutes, provide a urine sample, got a CAT scan, an EKG, an IV, and had pints of blood drained from my veins. (I mean “drained” literally; the nurse couldn’t properly close the IV tube in my inner elbow, so blood continued to spurt out of the tube onto the bed—she had to change the sheets, clean the plastic mattress, and wipe off my arm and hands). The medical procedures happened throughout the morning, so I spent quite a bit of time sleeping and watching quality television without the volume… Maury had cheating spouses, Sports Center had something I didn’t care about, CNN was obsessed with Jeanne, and Bob Barker and his “models” looked uber-tan, as usual.

I had a visit from the hospital billing agent at some point during the day. She walked in, looked at me, looked at my chart, and asked if I was Asian. I wasn’t sure whether my Asianness would affect my hospital bill, so I told her that my first name was Apache, and my nickname was a type of Japanese sticky rice. She was clearly puzzled by this response, and proceeded to ask more relevant questions about health insurance.

I was unceremoniously released from the hospital after Dr. Mingo decided I wasn’t in danger of dropping dead. The nurse literally walked in, had me sign a release form, went over some crap about how to monitor my condition, and said I could change and go home. I finally emerged into the beautiful Friday sunshine at about 1:30. A nice shuttle driver man informed me I was in Lanham, MD, after I explained how I wound up at the hospital that morning. He then drove me to a bus stop, where I boarded the T16 bound for home.

I tried to keep from nodding off on the bus ride home by taking in the sights of Lanham. Almost immediately into my journey I came across perhaps my favorite intersection in the state of Maryland: Good Luck Road—a nod to patients and family who had to travel Good Luck Road to get to the hospital, and Gaywood—a nod to the small thicket of trees nearby that loved trees of the same gender.

I finally made it home around 3 that afternoon, drank some orange juice, fell into bed, and didn’t wake up until 4 the next morning.

Quote of the day:

2004-09-23T09:57:00.000-07:00

"I wish I could have black babies... they're so much cuter."

- Slugger

Jersey McJerserton

2004-09-20T11:05:00.000-07:00

I went to Ortley Beach, New Jersey this weekend for a friend’s birthday. As always, Jersey folk provided me with endless amounts of entertainment. Among other things, I saw:

-- A store selling “Wine, Beer & Spirit’s” next to a place selling "Jersey Juice." (Yes, Spirit's is grammatically incorrect).

-- A young guy in a sports bar with a shirt that read, “I’d rather have a sister in a whore house than a brother at Iowa State.”

-- Mullets and perms of all kinds… INCLUDING a little person with a permed mullet.

-- High tops and stonewashed denim.

Jersey rocks.

Quote of the day:

2004-09-15T13:52:00.000-07:00

“I was schvitzing so much I had to buy some deodorant. It’s freakin hot in here.”

C-Sass, West Office

New host/hostess please

2004-09-15T11:36:00.000-07:00

Ray is the worst Jeopardy! host ever. Case in point: she forgot to read the question’s category this afternoon and instead launched straight into the answer, leaving Jeopardy! regulars a bit confused as to what the heck she was saying. Short story even shorter: an uninvited guest, who wasn't aware of normal procedure, stole $600.

Category first Ray! THEN the answer. If Alex Trebek had his own reality show, you'd be fired.

Back in Season

2004-09-13T10:42:00.000-07:00

Why do guys like football so much? As the season starts up for real I'm starting to wonder--
for the sake of illustration there have been about 40 years of football being a big deal, the season goes from Sept-January 5 months, there are 4 weekends in a month, any given weekend there are at least 3 major televised games. So, 40x5x4x3=2,400 that seems like a lot to me. And yet, it never loses its novelty-I'm trying to think of a good comparison but I can't...

Something your mother should never say...

2004-09-10T13:20:00.000-07:00

Last night I was on the phone with my mother, who is deeply concerned about my ability to live on a $390 bi-weekly living allowance. I happened to mention that I have to pay $150 each month out of my own pocket to commute to my volunteer position in DC... needless to say, she became even more worried about my ability to sustain my health and sanity throughout the next 11 months.

She's a public school teacher and doesn't have extra money to send my way, so she began brainstorming ways to make extra cash. After a couple minutes, she came up with the grand idea of becoming a phone sex operator. "I could do it from home at night," she said. "If you're good," she continued, "you can make a lot of money." My 54-year old mother then proceeded to practice her deep, husky, lovah grrl voice over the phone. *So* not cool.

Never a dull moment

2004-09-01T14:06:00.000-07:00

An intelligent person is never bored...
This is what my mom would always tell us when we were little. And while I might not be super intelligent I haven't found myself bored very often. For instance, some days there isn't much going on in West Office, days like today. So instead of being frustrated I played all the games on the dckids website. there was also a link to the Presidential website-in which you can take a 50 question quiz on things like "How many Presidents were in the senate?" or "Which president was in the Supreme Court?" So, that was fun. Now I'm busily employed catching up on The Baby-Sitters Club-one benefit to our little office is the plethora of handy paperbacks-nothing to make you feel smart like reading 10 books in an hour. Anyway, I'll give y'all an update later on the intricate plot twists of "Kristy and the Snobs." Don't get bored!

The Original O.C.

2004-08-30T13:56:00.000-07:00

Today is a very special day. Today marks the creation of the West Office blog. Yep, the West office, also known as the Original O.C.

We will work to make this the most fabulous blog ever. Hard.